Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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