I'm gonna have a badass scar
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
