I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
