He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
