I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
