Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
