The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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