I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Randomize
