i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
