Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You were trust falling into bushes
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
