why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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