broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
