??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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