i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
