I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
