The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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