I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
