for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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