The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
