She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
