Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
