We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
3 2 1 whiskey
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
