if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Randomize
