I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
