If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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