there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
