tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
