Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
