He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
