I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
