New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
