There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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