I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
There r osticjed everywhere
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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