Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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