There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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