Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
