I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
