the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
