I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
