watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
