i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
