you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
