FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
