I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
