I looked at my own cervix.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
