so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
