i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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