I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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