textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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