So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i need some magic done to my vagina
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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