Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
